Letters of Love (Green Division Series Book #3) Page 8

  “Is he mad at me?” It was clear that Tiffy was scared of disappointing her family.

  “No, no. He’s not mad at you. No one is mad at you.”

  “Can I get up yet?”

  “Since your back hurts we’re going to let the doctor’s check you out before we let you go running around again.”

  “So I have to stay like this?”

  “For a little bit.”

  “My wrist really hurts.”

  “I know. We’ll get you some medication so it hurts a little less when we get to the hospital.”

  “Do I have to ride in the ambulance?”

  “One of us will ride with you.”

  Tiffy closed her eyes.

  “Tiffy, keep your eyes open for me.”

  “I’m really tired.”

  “You can sleep all you want later on, but for now I want you to keep me company. I don’t want to be alone.”

  Tiffy smiled. “I won’t leave you Aubrey.”

  Aubrey smiled back at her. “Thank you.”

  Ben returned to Tiffy’s side and took her hand back. Over the next twenty minutes they waited, every minutes stretching like hours. Jack and Joanne arrived seconds before the ambulance.

  “Tiffy!” Joanne came running over. From there out, things became hectic. Jack calmed Joanne down the best he could while Aubrey stayed where she was until a paramedic relieved her of her duties.

  “Why don’t you drive Jack’s car and I’ll follow you in mine so they can both ride with her.” She said to Ben. Aubrey knew the medic and though it was customary to only have one relative at most, they made an exception for her.

  “Alright,” Ben said.

  Jack and Joanne hopped into the ambulance with Tiffy. Ben followed behind the ambulance and Aubrey took up the rear. Ben acted pissed with her. His mannerisms had been short, but maybe that was due to the situation. Why would he be angry with her?

  *****

  Aubrey and Ben waited in the ER lobby without any news. Ben paced around tense and scared. It had been less than two months since Tiffy’s prognosis and she’d passed out on horseback. She’d never passed out. Her cancer had to be progressing quicker than the doctor predicted.

  “She’s going to be okay.” Aubrey tried to reassure him from her anything but comfortable seat.

  “Don’t say that. She isn’t fucking going to be okay.”

  “Ben—”

  He put his hand up and cut her off. “Don’t fucking tell me its okay. She’s dying. And she could have died today falling off that stupid fucking horse. I guess I didn’t think this would happen when Tiffy asked for lessons, if I had I wouldn’t have asked you to give her lessons. But you should have known. You’re the damn nurse. You should have known.”

  Ben’s anger filled him to the brim. He was mad at her, mad at himself, mad at the world. Aubrey’s eyes widened and he saw the pain he’d inflicted.

  “I’m going for a walk.” I need to get away.

  Ben walked down the hallway and away from her. Seeing Tiffy fall from the horse had been terrifying. He was helpless. There was nothing he could do. He couldn’t move fast enough. And Aubrey wasn’t even paying attention.

  *****

  Aubrey watched Ben stalk away and out of sight. It wasn’t her fault, was it? Ben asked her to give Tiffy lessons. THEY ASKED HER. She’d done it to him as a favor. She didn’t force anyone to let Tiffy ride. They’d begged her! So why did she feel so guilty? Ben had done a stellar job at making her feel responsible for it. And she was in perspective. Aubrey didn’t think about it, but of course her passing out, or having a seizure was a possibility. That was also one reason she spoke to the parents about the inherent risks of riding before she allowed their children on Gunny and Trixie. Jack and Joanne understood. Ben should have understood too.

  I shouldn’t be doing this. She thought to herself and dropped her head into her lap. I’m done giving lessons. Done. He’s right. She could have died.

  Aubrey moved to the corner of the quiet waiting room and stared blankly out the window. Ben was outside talking on his cell phone. The sight of Ben made her feel sick. He looked over, gave her a cold stare, and then turned his head away. Aubrey curled up in the chair and faced away from the window.

  Thirty minutes later Ben returned to the waiting room and sat as far away from her as he possibly could avoiding all eye contact with her. Though he could only get twenty feet away...it was a small waiting room. She switched positions in the chair and stared out the window. It would be a fun ride back to her house in the truck with him when they eventually left. She couldn’t wait.

  “Hey guys.” Jack came from behind the ER doors.

  “How is she?” Ben shot up.

  “She has a broken wrist, but she’s okay.”

  “What happened? Why’d she pass out?”

  “They’re running tests on her now, but we know why.” Jack took a deep breath. “They’re keeping her overnight and we should know more in the morning.”

  Ben looked over at his brother and they shared the same fear, Aubrey could see it.

  “I’m sorry she fell Jack. It was my fault,” Aubrey said from the corner.

  “Don’t be. She’s never been happier than when she’s riding. She loves you and your horses. She would have passed out whether she was home with us, or with you. It was going to happen.”

  Jack was absolutely right. His words eased Aubrey’s guilty conscience. She nodded her head at him.

  “You two should go home. There’s nothing you can do here. It’s late and we’re all going to try to get some rest. Thank you both for everything.” Jack was an amazing man and Aubrey saw that in the way he’d treated everyone, from his wife, the ambulance workers, to the ER staff, to her, and Ben.

  “Are you sure? Do you need anything?”

  “We’re good. You guys go.”

  “Alright,” Ben said reluctantly. “Call if you need anything.”

  “We will.” Jack waved to Aubrey. “Bye Aubrey.”

  “Bye Jack.”

  Jack went back behind the ER doors. Ben stood and walked to the entryway.

  “Mind if I drive?”

  His mannerisms were still cold. She’d tell him to go to hell, but she couldn’t concentrate and didn’t want to drive anyway. She tossed him the keys.

  They got into the truck and headed toward Aubrey’s. The small local hospital was forty minutes away from where she lived and it would be a long awkward ride. She leaned her head against the window and looked at the city lights. Ben pulled into a Starbuck’s.

  “Do you want anything?”

  “No.” She continued to look out the window, chin rested on her hand.

  “Large black coffee and a bottle of water, please.” They went through the drive thru and continued their journey.

  “In case you change your mind.” Ben put the bottle of water in the center console.

  “Thanks.” Still she couldn't face him.

  Twenty minutes of silence between them passed. She could feel his eyes on her.

  “Aubrey...” Ben said, but didn’t follow up. And she sure as hell wasn’t going to initiate further conversation.

  Ben abruptly pulled her truck over into the dirt parking lot of a recreational trail.

  “Listen.” He put the truck in park.

  “You don’t need to yell at me, I know, it’s my fault. I should have known better. We’re good. I got it.” Aubrey refused to look at him. His cold stare made her feel guilty.

  Ben took a deep breath.

  “Aubrey, look at me, please,” his tone softened.

  “I’m not arguing with you, you’ve made your point.”

  Ben unbuckled his seatbelt and stretched his arm across the back of the seat.

  “I’m not trying to argue with you, I’m trying to apologize.”

  “For what? It’s my fault, you’re right.”

  “It’s not your fault and I was one hundred and ten percent wrong. Jack is right. Tiffy’s never been so happy
as to when she rides. Her eyes light up. She’s more excited to go riding than she is to go to Disney.”

  Aubrey’s frown cracked into a small smile.

  “I’m sorry; I was upset.” Ben paused. “I took it out on you. None it was your fault. I’m sorry, Aubrey. Truly sorry. I was an asshole to you and you didn’t deserve that. I know you love her too.”

  Aubrey was still upset. He may have done a 180, but the possibility of Tiffy getting seriously injured still lingered on her mind. Tiffy lived on a timer, but riding could have expired that.

  “None of my kids have ever gotten hurt. This makes me question if I should be doing this. These families—your family has gone through enough. The kids have a great time and I enjoy it too, but is it worth it?”

  “Yes.” Ben was sincere. “Look at me.”

  Aubrey closed her eyes. Ben slid to the center of the bench seat next to her. A Frank Sinatra song playing from her CD player. Ironically the song was “Irresponsible”.

  “Doesn’t this song fit me to a tee.” Aubrey listened to the words.

  “You’re the opposite of the words he’s singing.”

  She huffed.

  “What do I have to do to get your attention?” He leaned over her shoulder and put his fingers under her chin trying to guide her face to his.

  She let him steer her eyes towards his. Aubrey tried to stow her tears and had done quite well at halting all but a few.

  “I made you cry...”

  “No,” she lied.

  Ben put his hands to the sides of her face and wiped the tears away.

  “I’m sorry, Aubrey. I shouldn’t have said what I did to you. Can you forgive me? You can even call me my Asshole nickname and I’ll understand.”

  “You are an asshole.”

  “I know,” Ben admitted. “A giant flaming asshole.”

  “Admitting it is the first step to recovery.” She managed a laugh. She looked into his eyes for the first time since he’d accosted her at the hospital. His face was honest, she believed the guilt he was emanating. And she felt a small sense of relief that Tiffy’s family truly didn’t blame her. “I’m sorry too.”

  “You don’t get to be sorry, Aubrey. That is my weight to carry.”

  Ben was a complex man. She never knew what to expect from him and she certainly didn’t expect an apology and him comforting her, the same man who’d upset her. Ben unclicked her seatbelt and hugged her.

  “I’m know I’m the last person you want to hold you, but I’m the only one here. I’ve never been good with a crying woman. Worse with one who I hurt and made cry.”

  “You do this a lot, huh?” Aubrey let him hold her.

  “No. This is the first time I’ve ever acted on this scale of being a pompous gigantic flaming—”

  “Asshole.”

  “Yes.” Ben laughed. “So I’m fumbling my way through this, trying my damnedest to fix it.”

  “You can’t fix what was already broken.” Aubrey spoke of their tumultuous dynamic.

  “I’m trying.”

  Aubrey breathed in his cologne. It relaxed her and her rigid body went soft. Hi scent was like a drug, instantly calming her. She returned his hug, resting her head against his.

  Ben rubbed her back.

  “I forgive you.”

  His forwardness in hugging her should have pissed her off. She should have punched him in the gut, or the groin, but she liked being close to him.

  “Come here.” Ben scooted back to the driver’s seat and she moved to the middle. She leaned into his side, his arm around her shoulder. Damn him, she didn’t want to feel comforted by him, or comfortable with him, but she did.

  *****

  When they left the hospital, Ben’s anger subsided, replaced by remorse. His anger was very misdirected. He’d gone to Aubrey asking for a favor. A favor he didn’t deserve after their prior interactions, but she agreed to his request. She’d given her time freely to Tiffy and Tiffy loved her. Ben wasn’t sure how to fix his fuck up. He was embarrassed and thought she’d hate him after his outburst. He wouldn’t blame her if she did. But, she seemed to have forgiven him. More than most women would do, rightfully so.

  Ben turned the headlights off and both stared into the fields behind her house.

  “What does it mean? Tiffy passing out like that?”

  “It could be many things.”

  “But most likely it’s because her cancer is progressing.”

  “We shouldn’t talk about this, we know how this goes.” Aubrey sat up from their snuggled position.

  “Be honest.”

  “We both know it’s because of the tumor, Ben,” she said heartfelt.

  Ben took in a deep breath. “I don’t understand why. Why does a nine year old get cancer? She hasn’t even lived yet.”

  “She’s lived a very happy nine years. That’s more than many people.”

  “It’s not...it’s not right. This shouldn’t happen to a kid. It shouldn’t happen to my niece.” Ben spoke more candidly with her than he had anyone, family or friend.

  “Tiffy promised me to secrecy, but you should know this.”

  Ben sat upright, his attention peaked. “What should I know?”

  “All she wants is for people to treat her like a normal kid. She say everyone treats her like she’s dying, or like she’s already dead. She wants you to treat her like she’s still here, like she’s not already gone.”

  “She said that about me...”

  “She said it about everyone. She said she’s not afraid of dying, she knows she going to Heaven. What scares her is hurting you guys, the pain you’ll feel in her loss and coping with it.”

  “Jesus Christ.” Ben covered his eyes.

  “She’s a strong girl, Ben. And she understands far more than you think. She knows what death is. She knows she’s dying. And she knows how much it's tearing you all apart. More than anything on that list, all she wants is for you all to treat her like she’s not dying. Like she’s Tiffy.”

  Ben held his hands tight over his face.

  “She’s still here. Don’t look at her like she’s already gone. She’s still here. We can’t control if any of us will be here in another year. I could die, you could die, she could still be alive. All we can do is live for now. Even that isn’t guaranteed.”

  He pulled his hands from his face and took a deep breath trying to get his composure. Ben wasn’t a crier and he didn’t cry, but he came pretty damn close. He’d hurt Tiffy. That was unacceptable.

  “I wish I could trade places with her.”

  Aubrey squeezed his hand.

  “God, I could use a beer right about now.”

  Aubrey picked up her purse from the floor. “You are in luck, I just so happen to have a twelve pack of Smirnoff and a bottle of Captain.”

  “I shouldn’t.” Ben wanted to. Getting hammered sounded like a wonderful idea at that moment.

  “I’m going to have a few. You’re welcome to.”

  “You know, I think I’ll take you up on the offer.”

  They walked into her house together.

  “I’m going to take a quick shower. Help yourself to a drink.” Aubrey pointed to the fridge, then walked to the back of the house.

  Ben took a bottle of Smirnoff and went into her living room. Her house was modest and impeccably clean. He inspected the pictures on her walls. A man in a military uniform was in several pictures. Either a family member or boyfriend...but if it were a boyfriend, she would have mentioned it. Another picture of whom he presumed were her parents. A few of her in bridesmaid dresses at a couple different weddings. She was beautiful, damn, she was. Not typical size 2 model beautiful, but the way a woman should look. Now if he was three inches taller and twenty pounds heavier, he could say the same for himself about being a man. Ben was incredibly self conscious of his height.

  “They are awful pictures.” Aubrey came back wearing a pair of Santa Claus fleece pajama shorts and a pink tank top.

  “They’re nice. Are y
ou...um...one of those Christmas all year long types?”

  “They’re soft and warm. I don’t care what they have on them.”

  Ben smiled at her. Aubrey went to the kitchen and made herself a Captain and Coke. She normally didn’t keep hard liquor, but Jill and Taylor had left it behind on their last visit.